In the realm of Southwest Idaho Cities, Boise stands head and shoulders above the rest as the “800 pound gorilla” with the “chimpanzees” of Meridian and Nampa growing up fast.
During the past 10 years as Boise City swung through the suburban jungle unchallenged, it intimidated the surrounding areas and annexed thousands of acres of territory along with the human inhabitants–often against their will.
In this theory of relativity we saw Meridian and Nampa evolve from humans to little monkeys, into agile chimps. They looked at the big gorilla and decided they too could grow up to be strong, powerful and dominant.
Thus THE MONKEY WARS began.
–First it was the little human homeowners who protested against being annexed into Boise. The big gorilla proved he could sit anywhere he wished and slapped down the homeowners.
–Then, the little monkeys of Star and Eagle wouldn’t play nice and tried to steal each other’s food in the form of annexation battles along Highway 16. Both want to evolve into chimps and get bigger like Meridian.
–Meridian outgrew its monkey suit, has evolved into a BIG chimp and may even evolve into a gorilla soon like its neighbor to the west, Nampa.
–The Kuna monkey is getting really frisky, wants to become a chimp and challenge Meridian. The Kuna monkey took a lesson from the Boise gorilla and said, “We can’t stop annexing!” They are fighting over monkey food–tax revenues–with Meridian.
–The Boise gorilla was unhappy when the Ada gorilla (an endangered species) fathered a new monkey in the form of the Avimor planned community–really a subdivision in monkey clothing. Boise took them to court. The Ada gorilla sighed like a frustrated parent.
–That prompted the Star monkey to run in and poke the Boise gorilla in his big hairy butt by pulling out of Blue Print For Smart Growth which is a phony plan to preserve habitat for monkeys, chimps and gorillas, but not the endangered humans.
–All the monkeys and chimps were happy when the Boise gorilla gave buses tothe regional transit system that can’t remember its own name, but the Garden City chimp went into a snit when it had to pay, so he went home and said, “take this bus and shove it.!”
–The Boise gorilla fights with everyone, but ALWAYS with the motherly Ada County Highway District gorilla. The ACHD and Boise gorillas have a common law marriage, but dad cheats on her and threatens divorce each election season. The ACHD gorilla still washes his clothes and prepares his meals, but the spark has faded from their relationship.
–It is obvious that you can’t put diverse species of apes in the same monkey cage or they will make life miserable for each other.
All this monkey business proves annexation law that allows sub divisions only in cities and enables cities to annex at will, leads us to one conclusion:
The Treasure Valley monkey JUNGLE will soon become an urban ZOO!
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Mar 21, 2006, 10:42 am
Now Meridian is trying to take over Kuna’s area of impact! It is all about grabbing all you can get before the other monkey gets it. What a poor way to serve the taxpayer.
Many of us moved to where we live today because we DID NOT want Boise controlling us. PLEASE give us the choice and ability to create our own unique cities so we don’t destroy what we have and become another Boise.
If we choose to NOT have half full busses, choose to have 1-4 acre lots then let us do it – we DO NOT want massive condos and stupid skinny houses.
All you need to do NOW is get out a map, gather a group or NON POLITICAL TYPES in a room and draw lines on the map and say, “this is Boise, this is Kuna, this is Star, etc.. The areas would include the cities as they exist today. Then cover all the rest of the area in Ada County so from this point forward it is VERY CLEAR which city needs to be concerned about what area – it is that simple.
But…..monkeys have not evolved to this level of inteligence yet….apparently.
Mar 21, 2006, 12:45 pm
The biggest monkeys are the legislators and city and county apes. This is all about bananas and who is going to get em’. The developers are the zoo keepers who feed the monkeys. Who do you think the monkeys are are going to listen to?
Those of us who live here and like the “city of trees”, are like squirrels…but when we get kicked out of the trees we fall in a big pile of ape s–t.
Because there are too many of us we get run over by the monkey wannabees who are chasing the bananas. But because we are just dumb rodents the monkeys convince us to keep electing them and we believe what they tell us in the Boise monkey media.
The big white ape in D.C. is the monkey god. He gets what ever he wants with no accountability. Idaho apes belive his lies and worship him like no other god. Why should they be accountable? Apes is apes, it’s about bananas and getting yours. Besides, the big white ape in D.C. told the apes that they were so amazing and complex, they could only have been invented by the most intelligent ape in the universe and no way were they evolved from humans.
Mar 21, 2006, 1:20 pm
Wow, suddenly local politics make so much more sense!
Mar 21, 2006, 2:14 pm
Josh said “Wow, suddenly local politics make so much more sense”…..
……and even if they don’t make any more sense, the imagery conjured up when trying to figure them all out is way more entertaining. Thanks for the giggle and the great pics.
Mar 21, 2006, 4:21 pm
I agree, great post on all the monkey business in the valley!
Mar 22, 2006, 12:02 am
But — I think you’re giving most of these entitities and beings much more credit than they deserve. “Real” monkeys, chimps, gorillas et al. are much smarter and not nearly so nasty as the elected ones.
I recently read a nice quote from someone:
“When a man destroys a beautiful painting, we call him a vandal.
When a man destroys a beautiful natural setting, we call him a developer.”
Still, the developer feeds the pseudo-apes/gorillas whatevers, and the other (less harmful) vandal doesn’t, so you’re right, it’s no question which one the simians will worship.
If instead of sending food and cash, they simply provide petroleum, the Great White Ape may decide to blow them to shreds.
Aw, ain’t nature wonderful?
Mar 22, 2006, 7:41 am
I enjoyed your humorous analogies.
It reminds me of a comparison to Chain of Command as related by an old Chief. CoC Is often like a bare tree full of monkeys. The ones at the top look down occasionally and see nothing but big eyes and gritted teeth that they interpret to be smiles. The closer the lower simians are to the bottom, the more bare “bottoms” they see and the more “pollution” they must contend with.
Mar 22, 2006, 8:51 am
Wow, Guardian! What a treasure-trove of knowledge this website is! What profound observations from both you and your respondents.
Here’s a bit of primate information I collected some time back, that may apply and may be of interest to your readers:
Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string, and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all the other monkeys with cold water.
After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result – all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm. Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth.
Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.
After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know, that’s the way it’s always been done around here.
And that, my friend, is how a [government] policy begins.
Mar 22, 2006, 9:04 am
This is the greatest discription of our local Arizona city mano a’ mano I’ve ever seen. How did you pick up on this in Idaho?
Mar 22, 2006, 4:32 pm
Even though we have a national reputation to uphold, we are not totally stupid up here in Idaho. Why do you think Bush came to Idaho to get our governor for his cabinet? Bush thinks Idaho is a national brain trust. We think what you guys did in Phoenix was so flippin sweet, we want to replicate it up here. Invite your friends, the door’s open.
Mar 23, 2006, 7:06 am
Monkeys, chimps, apes, and baboons everywhere must feel insulted – to be compared to local politicians and developers. Cruelty to animals, that’s what it is!
Mar 23, 2006, 1:49 pm
Couldn’t Boise also be an orangutan with long arms out to grab what ever they can. They realize the gorilla’s best attribute–size–is no longer working. Boise may switch into an orangutan.
Mar 23, 2006, 2:28 pm
With the little chimp of Kuna saying that it needs to continue to annex to pay for sewer infrastructure, it’s clear that it hasn’t learned to balance its budget. Expansion of NEW service is the only thing that should require the demand for additional revenue (and the new service itself needs to pay for the expansion). Annexing to increase capital funds to pay for existing service deficiencies is like paying off one credit card with another (higher interest) credit card! The chimp should have the balls to increase the existing user fee rates to cover the costs of fixing the deficiencies! Oh well, maybe it was neutured before it was stuck in the zoo…
I don’t mean to pick solely on the little Kuna monkey; Eagle deserves its fair share too. The Eagle Orangutan – as the single biggest steaming pile of sprawl in the valley – has no sewer treatment facility of its own (how apropos)! With the Boise Gorilla decrying the evils of “leap-frog” and “sprawl” development, everyone needs to keep in mind that the silver-back accepts payment to treat King Louie’s orangutan-poop by the trucker tank-full – all to try and satisfy the King’s quest for “rurban” fire.
If the Gorilla were truly interested in curtailing sprawl, it would stop King Louie’s endless march to the sea (and Canadian border) by refusing to sell its own sewer capacity (dampen the Orangutan’s quest with a little untreated effluent). King Louie’s current low-density target of homes per acre has effectively risen the land value in the city to such unattainable heights that it borders on economic racism.
From the top of the Orangutan’s pointed little head to the bottom of his furry little feet, he’s taken the position that it’s okay for certain people to sell him coffee in the morning, mow his yard on the weekend, and fix his SUV when it breaks down – but they, by God, will never live side-by-side with the King!
With all the monkeys screaming and throwing poop over territorial “Area of City Impact” issues, remember it was our Great White Ape in the statehouse that changed Idaho’s land use law, to specifically allow cities to annex land outside their respective areas of impact.
Since these impact areas are the only land the monkeys have made plans for, annexations outside these areas could never be considered thoughtfully planned, or in the best interest of the regional community. It is a violation of the people’s trust! The Great White Ape has disabled the only legal means to protect the little guy from the predatory monkeys’ shenanigans!
It’s a free for all land-grab/tax-grab – and we little humans better buckle down and cover up. Otherwise we will all become tenants in our own homes, spending our days hosing down the cages while the monkeys use us to practice their aim…
Mar 24, 2006, 9:40 pm
Driving west of Eagle one has to wonder who will decide that enough is enough. At some point one of these developments will run out of customers and a few dug up fields will stay that way for ten or twenty years. I saw some of that in the early 80’s. Half finished houses that were foreclosed by banks while the builders took off for Florida or wherever. The city council needs to look at a reasonable density and hang in there with it until the recent boom plays itself out. This is getting disgusting.
Mar 29, 2006, 10:22 am
Maybe it’s time to vote all the Monkeys out of office and be very careful who we replace them with!!
Mar 31, 2006, 4:50 pm
You know, I have one problem with all of this…Aren’t we giving Gorilla’s, apes ,monkey’s and assorted kin a bad name here? Comparing these awesome creations of Nature to our political entities is a real low-blow to the animal kingdom. I can’t remember ever meeting a politician,especially the one’s that live off us poor tax- payers for life, that couldn’t learn some very valuable lessons from observing the behavior of our simian friends.